YOU CAN’T SEE HEAVEN FROM HERE

May 7, 2016

It has been nine years since my husband and I lost our youngest child. Nine years and soon it will be ten. I remember thinking years ago, “I don’t know where he is.” The thought pierced through my brain over and over again reflective of the agony my soul was feeling. The pain and sorrow was so great that my mind was just fog, floating freely where my logical thoughts used to be. Hearing those words repeating in my head just added to my torment.

I knew in my heart that my son was saved. I knew the word said that to be absent from the body was to be present with the Lord. I knew Craig had given his life to the Lord and yet, I could not see where he was. I could not see heaven from where I stood.

For a newly bereaved parent you can’t go through a day without wondering where your child is and what he is doing? If you are a believer you imagine your child happy and fulfilled, surrounded by the loving arms of the Lord. You can see it- in your imagination. Sometimes that is not good enough. Sometimes, you need assurance that what you imagine, what you believe, is true. You are placed at a point in your life when your faith is tested beyond breaking. Believe and stand by it or doubt and suffer from it.

It does not seem fair that when you are at your lowest point in your life, your faith is tested so greatly. You are weak, you can barely get up in the morning, you want to be with your child and for many parents, you want to die. How in the world are you going to face this test when you have no strength?

I kept telling myself, “He is fine, he is with the Lord and He is the happiest he has ever been.” It helped to repeat those words, but I still could not see Heaven from here. I needed to experience that with my five senses. I needed to know beyond a doubt. I needed the Lord to show me.

I am not alone in my feelings. I have meant many Christians that have experienced the same wonder, the same agony. It does not mean we are not strong Christians. It does not mean that our faith is less than it should be. It means we are suffering, we still love the Lord and still believe in His promises, and our faith is being tested beyond our wildest dreams. Many people will experience loss but few will truly know the sting of death and the victory. It is not a place that any parent wants to go. It is not a place you can ever imagine until you are there.

There comes a time when pain is so overwhelming that you can no longer feel. Imagine a physical pain in one part of your body. It overcomes your whole countenance. You struggle with the agony of the pain and don’t realize that in the midst of your pain, your other body parts are numb; they don’t exist because the pain is too intense to allow any affection for the rest of your body. This is how your spirit feels when it lies in agony. You don’t feel the sun on your cheek or a gentle hand on your shoulder. You can’t receive the words of encouragement from loved ones or the soft voice of God in your heart. Oh, He is there and so are you, but pain has taken over and all you can do is cry out, My God, My God Why hast thou forsaken me. I don’t say that with any disrespect toward my Lord. No one has ever suffered as greatly as Him. We can’t embrace His suffering but what we find in our lives is that it sometimes feels like abandonment, and we just can’t see Heaven from here.

 

(c) 2016

Leave a Comment » | Christian, Grief | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

HE LEFT HIS FIRST LOVE

May 7, 2016

HPIM0834You have heard the scripture, “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.” NIV Rev 2:4

The Lord is speaking to the church of Ephesus, but long before this revelation, was a man who left his first love and the result brought destruction to his life and everything around him.

When Adam was created by Elohim and placed in the garden he developed a relationship with the Father that we can hardly imagine. He walked every day with the living God. They talked and listened to one another. God taught Adam what he needed to know.

Elohim saw that Adam needed a helper so He created Eve. At this point Adam had already named the animals and gotten to know them. There was no cycle of life. No survival of the fittest. Each being lived in harmony with all of creation. All was as God intended it to be.

Adam and Eve seemed to hit it off pretty well. Adam felt a closeness to Eve that is mentioned in Gen. 2:23. He describes Eve as the bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. You really can’t get much closer than that.

You know the rest of the story; Eve found her way to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and was tempted by the serpent. The bible doesn’t say much about what lead up to this event. We know that God gave the pair free will to decide for themselves what they will do. Just as the angels in heaven had the choice to decide who they would follow, so did Adam and Eve.

No sin had been committed before the pair ate from the tree; however, something took place for them to follow the sinful path that they did. Look at the story and it makes sense when you factor in the moving away from God to other pleasures. For Eve it was what the serpent offered her; wisdom, knowledge and power. Remember, she was a help mate to Adam. She was second in charge, not first.

Adam had a life before Eve. He had a relationship with Elohim yet; he left his first love and focused on Eve. In Gen 2:24 it says that because the woman was taken from man he shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. That is exactly what Adam did however; he put Eve above his father. He did more than just cling to Eve; he made her his first love and turned away from his Lord.

When Eve offered Adam the fruit the bible does not record any objection from Adam. He took it and put it to his mouth and ate of the fruit knowing he was going against his God. He appeared to do it without any hesitation. He followed Eve when he was supposed to lead. He got his priorities out of order. There is a saying; God first, then family and country. Sounds about right except Adam did not do that, and so we find ourselves living in a world full of sin and destruction.

When Adam was told not to eat of the tree he was told why. The Lord told him he would surely die. The Hebrew word for die is (matoth) which means to die, kill or execute. Interesting that the word can mean execute because that is what happened. Adam’s SIN executed the spirit within Adam. Adam was a living soul but he had a spirit. When he died his spirit left him. What happened at this point? He no longer had a spirit or glorified body. He had a fleshly body; one that was as corrupt as the sin that defiled it. Everything changed. No longer could he walk in the garden with his Lord, but he could no longer live in a place made for perfected man.

God is a spirit and we are told the only way to communicate with Him is through the spirit. “God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” NIV John 4:24

Adam would learn the hard way how to find his way back to God. He would suffer the consequences of his sin in a harsh way. He left his first love and now he was dead and all the earth was cursed because of his and Eve’s actions. Makes you wonder if they didn’t look up at the stars at night and talk about what they had done and reminisce about the garden. Adam did not die until eight generations of descendants were born. He was 930 years old. Imagine the stories he passed down to his offspring which included; Seth, Enoch, and Methuselah, the oldest recorded human in the bible and the grandfather of Noah. Methuselah died the year the flood happened. Firsthand accounts of the beginning of creation were made all the way down to the flood. You have to ask how could the world become so corrupt when the first man lived through eight generations, a man who walked with God and knew Him? Perhaps, seeing the decay in the generations was felt horrifically by Adam since he knew it was because of him that man was born with a nature to sin.

Eve is not exempt from the whole issue of death and corruption. In fact, she sinned before Adam. If Adam had left his first love, Elohim, then Eve must have done the same. What caused her to be enticed by the serpent and to be drawn to the tree in the first place? The pair had a spirit, they had a perfect body and they were void of a nature to sin, yet they did. They had one thing that existed with the angels and that was free will.

One third of heaven decided they would follow Lucifer instead of El Shaddai. No one knows exactly what that number was but any number was too many. It is a mystery how it all came together, but sin entered heaven and then it entered the world. It was in the garden because the serpent was there. It was confined to the tree of knowledge of good and evil, yet Eve found it and pursued it. She did just what the angels did as she was tempted by the master of sin. She went looking for answers, she went looking for something she did not have or thought she did not have. She went looking for perhaps, independence from God. She had a motive and she had a will and the serpent used them both against her. She had already placed something above God whether it was Adam or self, she left her first love as well as Adam did.

Once God is no longer first in your life, you face temptations that you never thought were possible. Your focus changes, your will becomes more lustful instead of His desires. This is usually where we start out in life. Moving forward from salvation toward making God your first love is what we do as a new born-again Christian. It is the spirit drawing us toward Him and placing Him always before our face.

Adam and Eve began their lives with God as their first love and they went forward into the darkness of sin and laid out the path for the rest of mankind.

Praise our Lord God Almighty that He did not give up on us. He made a way when we didn’t deserve it. He loved us so. He gave the sacrifice for us so we could walk in the garden with Him once again. He came to us in the flesh; in a miserable world of vile, gross and disgusting sin, and let it fall on his shoulders so we can be with Him. He made the way because our sacrifice could not touch it. There was nothing we could do to correct the mess we were in.

There is only one thing for us to do now. Make Him our first love, forever. If you want to be with Him after this life, you need to make Him first in this one.

 

(c) 2016

Leave a Comment » | Christian | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

Emotional Range-Separation From Land etc.

November 30, 2015

Potomac Park Camp 1946

July 25th

EMOTIONAL RANGE-SEPARATION FROM LAND ETC.

 

If you know something about conditions in your local church you can’t help if you hit on it. I’d rather not know a thing. Some will come and say, “Did you know so and so?”

God doesn’t put any testing or proving on us unless we are qualified; built up in the faith. He has first given us the word to do something with it. If not accepted-truth-something in our nature will deteriorate and be destroyed. I know what God is doing with me. I like to know a little bit about this strange being or personality. I am a trinity. I am more than that. We react continually to the thought processes. I have a mind and I must think right thoughts. Think on these things. For as a man thinketh in his heart-so is he. God makes his approach through it. Study to show thyself approved-apply yourself. Jesus dealt with the emotional side of people mostly.  The general approach is to the heart where they lived. In the four gospels He continually deals with love, hatred, jealousy, (make a study of that). Man is an emotional creature and out of order. I have an intellectual life which He is dealing with and an emotional. Power to say you will become the whole determining factor.

I don’t know which day or hour I was saved or where, but in interim of several months. I don’t make patterns, everyone is different. You are either a saint or a sinner. There has to come a place of real decision. You have had to give individually your assent. Our lives are reckoned according to our wills and spirits before God. God judges us by the choices we make continually-we may know yards of truth and not know at all. Therefore knowledge was not enough to qualify him in the realm of heaven. The thief on the cross-got as far as paradise, that’s all. The thief had not had time to build up and qualify; making him capable for that fellowship God would have with him in heaven. God speaks about an abundant entrance. Only the applying of the blood will never qualify you.

God can take an individual and so work upon him without destroying his individuality or personality; he becomes a living miracle. Some have an emotional temperament, others stoical. You can’t judge people whether they are expansive in their emotional by that, it is no price on spirituality at all. Some can get blessed in their emotional range, doesn’t mean that they are holier than all. Some people get blessed so they shout, sing and dance, no sign you are spiritual. God doesn’t care how much you can get blessed at all. He looks right past that, He knows that I not the measuring rod-where you live and what you are, it is lower than this, it is in here, down several inches below-in my heart where I have made choices and decisions for Him.

Here I am Lord-yes Lord. We are not living on how much I know about Jesus, but it is in the YES LORD!

Don’t be confused and robbed, don’t get it confused with the emotional-the emotional is only the effect because you had an experience. Will you be obedient to the thing I’ll ask you to do? Faith-command, launch out into the deep. The Lord has a miracle for you and you are still standing there reasoning with Him. Peter reasoning with Him; “I fished there all night, etc.” Natural man first, then that which I spiritual. Faith can only exercise where everything in the natural is out of reason. We try every last thing before faith. He has a right to shift that boat. Don’t stay by the shore. It involves a process of separation. Separated from the people-already in the boat. (It is a )marvelous place to get out with the Lord in a little boat even though it tips. Be thankful; just stay in that little boat. For a little while you can detect some people on the shore. That is grass. All flesh is grass.

Later on…? Certain flowers were grass. When that boat gets out far enough and you say all flesh is grass—that is a separation. I believe in the fellowship, by and by God lets me know they are human too. Separations may be even from the legitimate human relations. He is getting us ready for the miracle.

Heavenly, beautiful visitation will involve just those that are in the boat. Where are you taking me-out in the deep? You rest in the negation; in your will and obedience, in your surrendered will. Separation begins with a child of God when coming out of the world. Move in disciple fellowship.

Multitude-believers-disciples-apostles.

If you wish to be a disciple do thus and so; another separation. If you will come into a disciple relationship you have to separate from legitimate things. You already hate the world, flesh and the devil. Here is something else. That which would mar and hinder the effulgence of the light. If you walk with God He is going to separate you more and more.

Five years ago you were different, you can’t do them now-anything that blurs or hinders or mars; you turn-hate it, but for what it will do… You don’t hate your father and mother because of what they are to you, but because of what they can do to hinder your best for God.

More and more of a separation as you go on, deflected Jesus from the cross. If it deflects, hate it, anything. Separation from people, world, nature, things, principles, persons, whole set-up, hate it, reject it, separate from it. Move out into an entirely new atmosphere, go out into the deep. I determine and you determine how deep you want to go by what, by how far you are separated. Just as far as you go deeper it will get. What will determine it-just how far I am separated. Just as deep as I want to go.

*Brazen laver not measured-you determine it all.

The net is livelihood.  It threw your life right overboard. Nature. Holding on with your fingers. You say you have to be practical. Blessed opportunities, developments you never dreamed of, took you all this time to get them. Had enough for all fishes. Something to give to all. More abundant, exceedingly more than we can ask or think.

*The Brazen Laver is second of two objects located in the Tabernacle’s Outer Court. It represents baptism. (Looks like a cup used to wash the hands)

Leave a Comment » | Christian | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

Grief Like No Other

July 21, 2014

There will come a time in everyone’s life that they will loose someone they love. It is the cycle of life, uncontrollable and probably the hardest thing that most people will ever experience. Grief is not talked about in society because it makes people feel bad. It is something that happens but society does not want to acknowledge its lasting affect. The terms, “move-on, get-over-it” are echoed from friends, family and employers. It is even being addressed by the psychiatric community in some cases as “mental illness”.

Why does society view grief as if it does not exist? Is it because it occurs every day? Something that happens that often must not be so bad, or in the least can be resolved in a short period of time. Perhaps, that is the problem. Society does not want to recognize that which can have a life long affect on the emotions and being of a person. The best way to deal with sorrow is to push it aside and pretend it does not exist. Put on your happy face and go about your business each day and you can even convince yourself that grief can be put to sleep.

There are different types of grief. We can be prepared for the death of a loved one through a long term illness or an elderly parent or grandparent. We can feel that death is a relief to the sufferer and “let them go”. No matter how we accept the death of a loved one, nothing prepares us for a life without them.

Website boards are full of memorials left for loved ones. Poems are written every day in memory of someone dear. The perspective that a person can quench their grief by ignoring it has been proven wrong many times over. The shelves are full of self-help books on releasing grief.

There are circumstances that can complicate grief. Sudden death and even the manner of death can cause extraordinary pain. Murder in particular has elements associated with it that most people never have to deal with such as, an arrest and trial that can take many months and even years to be settled. Hearing gruesome details of a loved ones demise can ring forever in a persons’ head. Nightmares of horrible crime scenes are a reality for victim’s families.

Grief like no other comes by way of loosing a child. It does not even need to be mentioned that the loss of child is beyond any comprehension for a parent. No one wants to think or talk about it, but that is not realistic.
According to the National MCH Child Death Review the mortality rate in 2006 for children under the age of 19 was over 530,000. In addition, most people under the age of 50 that die leave a parent behind. Does it matter how old a child is? Ask a grieving parent that lost their child at any age and the answer is no.

There is a shearing pain that rips through the heart when a parent is given the news about the death of their child. The soul just screams a blatant NO, and from that moment that parent is never the same person.

No program, no medicine, no therapy can cure a grieving parent. They are forever bereaved parents. People like to fix things. Family members and friends might think they need to do something that will cheer-up a grieving parent. Part of it is because they too grieve and they do not want to see their loved one so hurt. Time changes that in many cases and intolerance sets in. Complaints are heard from those closest to the situation like; “Grieving parents talk about their child too much, They have too many pictures displayed in their home, and They never got rid of things and erected a shrine.”

The question is when is the right time to put away a beloved child? When is it right for a parent to move on and remove all signs that their child ever lived? When should a parent stop talking about their child because it makes other people uncomfortable?

Try asking these questions instead; why does a grieving parent keep their child’s things where they can see them? Why does a parent talk about their child so much? Why did that grieving parent create a memorial garden for their child? The answer is simple-love.
For a grieving parent their child’s life continues in their heart. As long as that child remains there, he is still alive. It brings great joy to a parent to hear their child’s name spoken. Why? It means that they are not forgotten. The greatest fear is that their child will be forgotten by family and friends. Monuments are built to great men- that is ok. Monuments are built to honor people-that is ok. Monuments are built to remember-that is ok, but let a grieving parent build the same for their child, and something is wrong with them.

Describing the loss of a child is an impossible task because there are no words for it. The pain will be with a parent the rest of their life. They have lost a part of their life and living even one more day is a challenge. Everything becomes before and after their child. When they look at a picture they date it before or after. Moving into a new year is another year without them. Many thoughts in their daily lives bring them back to their child. It can not be avoided. It is not something that try to do, it just happens. It may become less as years roll away, but it never goes away. Professionals treat grieving parents for depression and post traumatic stress syndrome. It may be adequate to label the symptoms of grief in such a way, but it does not cure it.

The best thing someone can do for a grieving parent is to let them know they remember their child. Call them on the holidays; call them on birthdays and yes, the death anniversary. Give them pictures and relate memories that you have of their child. Donate to a charity in their child’s name. Most important, hug them, love them and cry with them.

Self help organizations have proven to be beneficial for grieving parents. One organization is the Compassionate Friends. It is a worldwide organization that started in the 1960s in England when a chaplain introduced two grieving families. It has since grown to include 50 chapters in the world and over 600 chapters in the United States. Other organizations are Healing Hearts for Bereaved Parents, Share Organization and Miss Foundation.

It is hard enough for a parent to loose a child, but when family and friends avoid them because they do not know how to handle the grief, it adds another loss to their already broken heart.

Grief Watch: Support Croup Listing
http://www.griefwatch.com/support_groups.htm

The Compassionate Friends
http://www.tcfofbrevardnc.org/tcf/home.htm

The National MCH Center for Child Death Review
http://www.childdeathreview.org/nationalchildmortalitydata.htm

(c) 2014 Vickie Van Antwerp

Leave a Comment » | Grief | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

The Making of An Antique

July 21, 2014

Oh how we love our antiques, we eye-ball them with the greatest intensity. We study the sculpture of their design, the quality of the material, the absolute exquisite craftsmanship. Oh yes, we love our antiques. They can stir pleasures, desires, memories, and overt emotions. They are priceless in time and soothing to the soul.

As I tour the antique stores and gaze at the Patty Playpal dolls and reminisce, I am caught off guard by the actual notion, that I too am an antique. I was there when Patty made her debut, I was there when the Mickey Mouse Club took center stage and yes-I was there when Davy Crockett made his coonskin hat a household name. At any time during my rifling through the antique shops, I can find anyone of the many items that I or my friends, played with, or listened too, or watched on TV, (in black and white) or saw at the drive-in. (which by the way, drive-in speakers can also be found).

So as I gaze in the mirror, looking for virtues that will carry me back to a time when my skin was smooth and soft, wrinkle and sag free, I wonder how this antique will stand up to time. The image that sees me as I am can count the wrinkles and each gray hair and probably attest to how each one got that way. It’s funny how the mind doesn’t seem to think of ourselves as an antique. We are the same that we were decades ago but with an enormous amount of wisdom and a testament to a life that has hit some rocks along the road.

The best I can do is recall the road that brought me here, making this journey worth while and the things that helped me as I grew. Those things, beside myself, that are now antiques and some almost forgotten. You know; ladies hats with fish net and alligator handbags, real silk stockings, Buster Brown shoes, paper dolls, cap guns and Jerry Mahoney. Don’t forget the things that made life a little easier; Trolley Cars, water hand pumps, and how about the backyard outhouse and chamber pot?

The antique stores are full of memories for those of us that could sit on the shelf as a star witness to the making and breaking of many a product that we now call-an antique. So the next time you browse through a fine antique shop, think about the people that made and used those items, the hands that held them and the eyes that gazed on them and the delight that some things brought to a child; that was probably us.

I don’t think I can look through an antique shop again without recognizing my place among the many wonderful items that stretched our imagination and brought us joy, and if I am lucky, I will get to take one or two home with me and let it reach far into my memory and take me back to a simpler time.

(c) 2014 Vickie Van Antwerp

Leave a Comment » | Short Story | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

Illness Caused By Clostridium

July 21, 2014

Clostridium is a bacterium that comprises the species perfringens, tetani, botualinum, and difficile. The clostridia can be deadly, comprising some of the worst diseases that the medical community encounters.

Food borne botulism, the technical name of the disease, is a very dangerous food poisoning that can be found in canned food that has not been properly prepared. Most incidences are attributed to home canning, but foods produced commercially have been know to cause outbreaks. It can be found in canned foods including vegetables, tuna fish, chicken, luncheon meats, ham, sausage and lobster. Symptoms include double vision, slurred speech, weakness, paralysis and eventual respiratory failure.

Another food borne bacteria coming from clostridium is perfringens. The bacterium causes toxins that grow to high levels causing food poisoning. Cooked food that has been left out for hours is usually the host. It is most often found in institutional settings like schools, cafeterias, and hospitals, often attacking meats and gravy. Food poisoning caused by perfringens usually starts with diarrhea, vomiting and abdominal pain

Clostridium tetani causes tetanus due to a puncture wound or a trauma that leads to tissue contamination. The contamination invades the body and can cause cardiac failure in approximately 55 to 65 percent of those infected. A vaccine is available for tetanus. It is usually given in childhood and every ten years. It can also be administered at the time an injury occurs.

Perfringens that causes food borne illnesses can also cause another deadly illness called gas gangrene. Infection of a wound can lead to death within one to five days. The disease is often fatal. Gas gangrene infects a wound immediately causing the surrounding tissue to die. It may turn black or a dark green color, and have a foul odor. Fever and pain will develop around the wound and may be the first indicator. Amputation is a normal course of action to keep the infection from spreading. It is also treated with hyperbaric oxygen, and chelating agents. Antibiotics are used but not always successful.

The c. difficile bacteria produces two toxins that are usually eliminated by the normal bacteria in the intestines. When someone takes antibiotics it can destroy the normal bacteria that lives in the intestines and the toxins can grow. Onset is exhibited by diarrhea and abdominal pain. Fatality rates are 27 to 44 percent if not treated.

FDA: BBB-Clostridium perfringens
http://www.fda.gov/Food/FoodSafety/FoodborneIllness/FoodborneIllnessFoodbornePathogensNaturalToxins/BadBugBook/ucm070483.htm

FDA:BBB-Clostridium botulinum
http://www.fda.gov/Food/FoodSafety/FoodborneIllness/FoodborneIllnessFoodbornePathogensNaturalToxins/BadBugBook/ucm070000.htm

Southern Illinois University Carbondale: Medical Microbiology
http://www.cehs.siu.edu/fix/medmicro/clost.htm

(c) 2014 Vickie Van Antwerp

Leave a Comment » | Health | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

Dementia Or Something Worse

July 21, 2014

I received a frantic phone call one day from my mother-in-law. She was crying and hard to understand. I was finally able to calm her down enough to find out that while paying her bills she became so confused; she didn’t know how to write the checks. She asked me to come over to her house. She only lived about 15 minutes away, so I hurried over and found her sitting on the couch, eyes red and swollen and a dazed look on her face. This was not the first time that she became confused.

I suggested to her that I would come over every month and write her checks for her. We could sit together and enjoy a cup of coffee and some good conversation while we did the bills. She liked that idea and so we wrote checks for her bills together each month.

In the midst of her confusion with the checkbook, she began to feel very insecure and asked my husband, to become her power of attorney. He went to the attorney with her, and they she added him to her checking account in case he needed to pay bills for her. This all took place during the summer, and we thought things were working out fine but, the beginning of December brought a new symptom that landed her in the hospital. She awoke one morning so dizzy she could not stand. Her doctor admitted her to the hospital for tests. She stayed in the hospital for several days, but nothing was indicated that could explain her symptoms. She was treated with medication for her usual aliments of high blood pressure, angina and arthritis…

Christmas Eve was always spent at Mom’s. The entire family would gather, and the grandchildren would open presents frantically until there was no room to walk. Mom would have a spread of deli delights for family and friends that would drop in. Later in the evening, the family would gather around and sing Christmas carols. As we sat around the dining room table I looked over at Mom and she looked so frightened and confused, as if she did not know any of us. Her lips moved to the music, but her mind was not in the room. Before we left, we got her settled on the couch and she seemed to be a little more alert. Fortunately, her oldest son lived with her, and would be there if she needed anything.

Sometime in January, Mom had an appointment with her gynecologist. She had a hysterectomy thirty years before but kept up with annual visits. Mom was very short, only four foot eight, yet she weighed over two hundred pounds. When the doctor examined her she told her that she had a very large mass that she could feel across her abdomen. She wanted her to have an ultra-sound immediately. She never indicated what it might be, but as people usually do, we thought the worst.

When the results came back, the radiologist identified the very large mass in her abdomen as her uterus. We knew that wasn’t correct and so did her gynecologist. At this point the word, “cancer” appeared, and we followed the next steps to a sure diagnosis without hesitation.

For the next month, Mom was bounced from one doctor to another. Her primary sent her to a general surgeon who suggested that her belly was full of fluid and if it were cancer it was very bad. He sent her back to her primary. Her primary checked her again and sent her to an oncologist. The oncologist took a blood test, checking her for ovarian cancer with the CA-125 test. As we sat in the examining room, Mom joked and laughed about her belly being so large with fluid. The doctor returned with the results and the protein was very high. He concluded that she did in fact have ovarian cancer. The entire ordeal of going from one doctor to another was exasperating for her because she did not remember the visits. When she was confronted with the news that she could have cancer, she acted surprised, as if she was hearing it for the first time. When the oncologist told her she indeed had ovarian cancer, she said that no one had mentioned it before, and she began to cry. By the time we got home, she was fine and did not remember the visit.

The one thing that added to her confusion was the fact that she had a total hysterectomy twenty years earlier. She thought that meant her ovaries and tubes had been removed. Since her short-term memory was all but gone, the truth wasn’t in her mind long enough to sink in.

The oncologist sent her back to her primary and he told the family he was going to enroll her on hospice. What we thought was a case of Alzheimer turned out to be end stage ovarian cancer.

She finally understood. Her short-term memory loss did not take over, this time it was all real. It was still a shock to us all because she never had any pain in her abdomen. She gained a great deal of weight that turned out to be fluid. She complained about her legs hurting but she was carrying a lot of weight for her small frame so we thought nothing of it. Her mental symptoms gave rise to the thought that she was suffering from dementia. Her primary physician never suspected a thing. When the doctor checked for dementia, he said she was fine. This hidden disease was racking her body, and we didn’t know it. Hospice arrived on Friday, February 25, she died on Monday.

According to the Ovarian Cancer National Alliance, ovarian cancer is called the “silent killer” because by the time it is diagnosed 75% of women will already be in the advanced stages. Some early symptoms include bloating, pelvic or abdominal pain, difficulty eating or feeling full. Later, there may be an urgency to urinate, fatigue, indigestion, back and leg pain. A genetic predisposition to the disease can be an indicator for a more prophylactic approach by your doctor. Make sure he/she is aware of your family history. Some of these symptoms mimic a dozen other diseases which is why it is difficult to diagnose.

What steps can be taken to diagnose this disease before it reaches an advanced stage? Aside from a pelvic exam, we can insist on two other tests: the CA-125 blood test and a transvaginal ultrasound. Some physicians may not want to order these tests, but if you feel something is wrong, insist on it. A pap test does not diagnose ovarian cancer.

National Cancer Institute: Ovarian Cancer
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/types/ovarian/

Medline Plus: CA 125
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/007217.htm

(c) 2014 Vickie Van Antwerp

Leave a Comment » | Health | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

Arthrodesis

July 21, 2014

Ankle fusion is also known as ankle arthrodesis and is a corrective measure to increase the mobility of the ankle. It may also decrease the amount of pain that is experienced. Arthritis is one cause of severe pain and immobility. It can relate back to an old injury that has caused the arthritis to set into the joint. Whatever the cause, fusion may be the best treatment for some conditions.

Conditions
You may find your condition among the list outlined here. Requiring ankle fusion can begin in childhood from a fracture of the lower part of the tibia (leg bone) or the talus (ankle bone). The joint can eventually deteriorate from osteoarthritis.

Cartilage deterioration can immobilize an ankle from moving freely. The constant friction of the joints moving against each other can cause the soft tissue known as the synovitis which is very painful.

Rheumatoid arthritis is a condition of the immune system that causes inflammation and eventual deformity in joints from bone deterioration. Ankles are affected as well causing instability and keeping mobility to a minimum.

Surgery

Orthopedic surgeons perform ankle fusions. During surgery the lower part of the tibia and fibula leg bones are shaved and smoothed during surgery. The upper part of the talus is also shaved and smoothed. The bones are cleaned with a saline solution, careful not to leave any bone fragments.

Fusions are accomplished with screws that secure bone between the joint.
External fixation places pins through the joint that are attached to an external plate. The plate is removed when fixation has been achieved.

Complications

Any anesthesia can be a risk, especially general. Vessel and nerve damage can take place causing permanent damage. It can leave the patient with less mobility then before surgery.

Infection can develop in the wound causing more surgery to drain the infection.

Union deficits can occur such as an imbalanced union of the joint or no union of the joint.
Both can result in more surgery to correct the problem.

Recovery

The average recovery time includes 12 weeks using an ankle brace. After the brace is removed physical therapy follows. To assist with weight bearing and comfort, your physician may decide to order a shoe device.

Tips
Search for an orthopedic surgeon that is qualified. Check credentials on the state medical board website.
Do not bear weight on the joint after surgery until instructed by the surgeon.
Report any inflammation of the wound immediately.
Contact the surgeon if the joint slips, is weak or misaligned after healing.

Mayo Clinic: Ankle Fusion Surgery
http://www.mayoclinic.org/ankle-surgery/anklefusion.html

The Foot and Ankle Clinic: Ankle Fusion
http://www.thefootandankleclinic.com/ankle-fusion.htm

Orthogate: Ankle Fusion
http://www.orthogate.org/patient-education/ankle/ankle-fusion.html

(c) 2014 Vickie Van Antwerp

Leave a Comment » | Health | Tagged: , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

My Dragon Slayer

July 2, 2014

Will you be my dragon slayer Lord
Take this grief and make it a servant instead
Cause my heart to lean on you and not be afraid
Carry my spirit above the clouds with you
And never let me doubt your loving arms around me

You can be my dragon slayer Lord
Keeping the grief in a place where it belongs
Never forgetting where it is, but at your side
I can stand in the face of the dragon
And know that my Lord goes before me

You are my dragon slayer Lord
Cradling me in your arms of comfort and mercy
Lifting me up from the ground and placing me by your side
Where I find peace and warmth in your light
You are my dragon slayer Lord

(c) March 2012 Vickie Van Antwerp

Leave a Comment » | Christian, Grief, Poetry | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

Forgotten Pain

February 13, 2012

A prose for the bereaved mother.

 

Remember childbirth? The sheer pain and agony of bringing another human being into this world can only be described as anguish. It gave new meaning to the word , “pain”.

Soon after you looked upon your child; your gorgeous little cherub, and all the pain, all the travailing was gone with one glance. The pain was forgotten.

A day came and a new pain emerged, but this pain was in your heart. It came so fiercely, so violent, that it took your breath away. Anguish, I think they call it. A bereaved parent knows it as the worse pain you can ever imagine. This one gives new meaning to the word, “pain”, for sure.

In the depths of your anguish you can rest assured because just as your birth pains are forgotten, so will this pain be forgotten in the blink of an eye, when you see your child once again.
(C) 2012 Vickie Van Antwerp
 

Leave a Comment » | Grief | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by VickieDawn

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »
Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started