“Mommy-my home”

February 11, 2018

(A true story about a little boy in foster care system)

I picked Paul up from the playpen. He was a fat baby. At six months old he weighed twenty pounds. I threw him on my hip and headed for the kitchen to get the phone-it was DYFS, Division of Youth and Family Services. They had another child they wanted me to take. He was two years old and coming from another foster home because the foster parents had split up, and Mom was left at home without any electric. It was an “immediate withdrawal” as the case worker explained. Sounded like a military tactic. I told her I had to check with my husband and would call her right back. I decided it would be easier to talk on the phone without Paul on my now sadly sore hip so I put him back in the playpen. He was such a good baby. He just picked up a toy, looked at me with those big blue eyes and started chewing.
I called my husband, Larry and told him that DYFS had called with a placement. I explained the situation to him and asked what he thought
“Go for it. The child needs a home, which should be good enough.” he said.
I called the case worker back and she said she would be over within the hour. I was kind of shocked that it would be done so quickly. She explained that they were removing the child without notice to the foster parent and it could get ugly. All of a sudden I was very concerned. “What do you mean ugly?” I asked.
She explained that the foster parents have had the child from birth. His parents are both patients at the State mental facility. The foster parents were due to adopt the child but they split and DYFS just couldn’t have that. They wanted them together. She also explained that it was unacceptable that the foster mother did not have any electric. She did not alert the caregivers that she was coming. It all seemed a bit cruel to me. I could not understand why they would not help the woman with her electric. If the child was with a blood parent they would do everything in their power to keep the family together. This little boy only knew this woman as his mother. He had been with her his whole life. She was Mommy! It did not matter-he had to be removed.
I called Larry back and told him the little fella would arrive within the hour. His job was very flexible so he came straight home. He got there the same time the case worker did.
The case worker was a big woman. Probably five foot ten. She carried this little boy into the house. He had straight dark brown hair-a bit long and the deepest dark brown Spanish eyes I had ever seen. You could see that he had been crying. My heart went out to him. He didn’t know what was happening. He had just been ripped away from his Mommy. I went over and took him in my arms and sat down. He just starred off into space. The case worker, Eleanor, explained that Adam was two years old, his parents were patients at the State psychiatric hospital and somehow got together and produced this child. A cousin had been trying to get him for the past two years but it was clear that the foster parents would adopt until now, their split ended that. She said the father’s cousin would never get him because she lives in the same neighborhood as the father, and he was to have no contact with the child as well as the mother. The case was still in the courts but expected to be settled very soon.
Eleanor handed me one bag of clothing and told me to call her if I needed anything and then she left. So here we stood with this two year old child, so frightened, so confused. All we could do is hold him until he was ready to explore his new surroundings.
My two sons; Larry eleven years old and Craig nine, came home from school to find our new addition in the living room playing with Paul. I explained the situation to them and they went over and greeted him. They seemed pleased to have another foster child in the house. Adam took to them very quickly and began following them around every where they went. It was the days that they were at school that he sat in the living room and cried, “Mommy, Mommy,” It broke my heart to see him so sad. I would gather him up in my arms and sit him down and tell him that this was his new home and that we loved him very much.
We had placed a single bed in the nursery with Paul so Adam would not feel alone at night. He enjoyed having Paul with him. After putting them to bed I would hear Adam whispering to Paul; silly little things. Paul could not talk back of course but he would give an occasional giggle.
Our family tried to make life as normal as possible for Adam. We took him to Grandma’s, (my husband’s mother), which he loved. She always made a fuss over him. The first time she met him she held him in her lap and he picked up the big cross she wore around her neck and looked at her and said, “Jesus.” To say he was smart was an understatement. His vocabulary was impeccable for a two year old.
When we became foster parents we were told to assimilate the children into our home. Make them feel like they belonged BUT remember, they go back to their parents. The two boys that we had in our home were both up for adoption, there were no parents to go back to. We knew some day we would have to let them go, but try telling that to a heart that allows a child to nestle in where he feels safe. We fell in love with Paul and Adam. They became a part of our family. I put their pictures on the wall next to Larry and Craig’s. If we treated them differently, they would always know they didn’t belong and that is not why we became foster parents. We wanted to make a difference in the life of a child, however small, however short, if we gave enough love for him to carry the rest of his life, we had done our part.
Thanksgiving came with a slight chill in the air. I bundled Adam and Paul in some warm clothing and their new coats. The six of us loaded up in the car and headed for grandma’s for a feast. Adam was delighted. He ate everything he could get his hands on. He did not refuse any food, including the beets. He ate ravenously which caused me some concern. He did that at home but never to this extent. He ate so much that he eventually threw-up most of his dinner on grandma’s new carpet. I contacted my pediatrician on Monday for an appointment. Adam had already been there for a check-up but this binging was getting worst. I also, did not see any weight gain to account for the vast amounts of food that he was taking in. The doctor checked him for diabetes and a few other things that would explain his appetite. Everything was negative. The doctor explained that it could be his way of reacting to the trauma of losing his family. So we kept an eye on him for any changes. Eventually, he realized he did not have to gulp his food, and he would get plenty to eat. The binging got a little better as time went on.
It did not take long before Adam was potty trained, he learned everything so quickly yet, he continued to grieve his Mommy. I found out from the case worker that the foster parents had traveled to the State capital to try and get him back but they were refused. They were devastated at the loss. If they only knew that Adam was as devastated as them. If DYFS only cared.
I liked to make a game out cleaning the house. I would put some music on the radio, dance around dusting while Paul laughed in his playpen and Adam would dance with me. I had a canister vacuum cleaner and Adam would lie on top of it as I pulled it around the room. It was their fun time and it made my housework go faster.
One day while I was cooking dinner, Adam was playing on the floor nearby. I heard him say, “Mommy?” I looked down at him and he was pointing at me. He said it again with his little head turned to the side and like a light bulb had gone off he said, “Mommy-my home.”
I picked him up and gave him a big hug. I said, “Yes, Adam, this is your home.”
What was I to say? This child had taken us into his heart as well and found a home with us. He heard my children call me Mom, so that is who I must be.
I got a phone call one day from Eleanor giving me an update on Paul and Adam’s cases. Nothing new was happening with Paul but it looked like Adam was going to be released for adoption soon. I was a bit disappointed with the thought we would have to give him up. I asked her if they had an adoptive family and if not, how long it would take.
“Oh, that won’t be for some time yet,” she said.
About two weeks after that phone call, Eleanor called again. She told me that Adam’s case was heard and the judge released him for adoption and the husband’s cousin was granted the right to adopt him. I was flabbergasted! How can this be? She said the cousin would never get him because there would be contact with the father. If the court wanted him to be kept away from the father, why were they doing this? She had no answer and said she was as shocked as me. She said she would let Adam get used to the new family by arranging day visits once a week until he was ready to go with them.
I hung up the phone feeling numb. I looked at Adam and tears welled up in my eyes. I thought, I can’t believe they are doing this to you again.
We discussed the phone call at dinner, using code words so Adam would not know what we were talking about. My sons were as confused as us. Even as children, they understood that the move did not seem right, but we had no say in the matter.
A week later Eleanor picked up Adam for his first visit. He was gone about three hours and came home with a robot toy like a transformer. The visit was in the office and all went well. Eleanor said Adam was very friendly with his “soon-to-be family”. She thought that it went so well that she arranged another visit for the following week. I did get a little more information about the adoptive family. There was never any mention of a father in the family. The cousin worked in a day care center that was mostly Spanish speaking so Adam would get the opportunity to learn a new language. That is not very hard for a two year old, much easier than if he were an adult. He was also going to live in one of the worst, crime ridden cities in the state. Of course, we all know that urban life can be a wonderful experience for a child and there was no need to worry about his safety, he would be well cared for.
I could not help but worry about Adam and how another move would affect him. Eleanor assured me that children of his age soon forget. They are resilient, they bounce back. Those words did not bring me comfort.
By mid-week I got a phone call from Eleanor telling me that they had decided (DYFS) that Adam could go with his new family this following weekend. I was to have all of his possessions packed when she came to pick him up. I told her I didn’t understand, I thought he was going to get several visits, he didn’t know these people, it would be too traumatic for him! Evidently, what I thought or assumed, did not matter. I had no say, he was not my child.
The day that Adam left came all too soon. I did my best not to cry in front of him. I packed his bags and left them in his room so he would not see them until it was time to go. Eleanor was prompt and did not waste any time when she got into the house. I put Adam’s coat and hat on him and smiled and laughed about a trip he was going on. Eleanor picked him up and rushed him out to the car. He waved bye-bye, Mommy. My heart was breaking as I prayed for his life to be full of love and hope. She drove off with a life force that filled my house with laughter and wonderment. I hoped that this would be his last move and that the new Mommy waiting for him would be everything he needed.

Commentary: This story is meant to inspire people that feel a calling in their life to foster a child. As much as the system may fail many children, it is the only system that we have. Loving homes are the only answer to the pain some of these children experience.
According to national statistics, as of 2016, there were more than half a million children in foster care. Interested parties can contact their local children’s services for information on becoming a foster parent.

Note: Some names have been changed in this article for legalities. We never heard anything more about Adam after he left. He would be 35 years old today.

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HOLIDAYS AND SEASONS

June 7, 2017

 

EXCERPTS FROM THE EDITOR’S MESSAGE
BREVARD TCF NEWSLETTERS
HOLIDAYS AND SEASONS
2014
BY
VICKIE VAN ANTWERP

Memorial Day

Memorial Day is coming soon and we will honor those lost in the many wars our nation has fought. If you grew up during the Vietnam War you may know someone that fell during that long war. In order not to forget, small towns all over the country will conduct parades and services for our fallen heroes.

In our world, as bereaved parents, Memorial Day does not come once a year but every day as we remember and honor our children. Our services may be of the heart but they are just as real and important to us as any large scale celebration could ever be.

As the years pass our daily services might change, but they remain grounded in the love we have for our sons and daughters. They remain a “parent’s tribute” to the one that could light up our life with joy and make us smile in the darkest times.

We celebrate their lives every time we mention their name, help another in honor of them, light a candle to show their light still shines, arrange their picture on the wall or hold something dear that was dear to them, close to our heart.

We will always try to keep our child’s memory alive. It is a vital part of our grief journey. It satisfies that innate need to finish out the life our child never got to live.

 

Independence Day

Another holiday is approaching and for a grieving parent it is usually full of dread. July 4th is full of family activities and you might find yourself wanting to go and hide somewhere until it is over. It is supposed to be a celebration of freedom, but you might not feel very free from your grief.

Like most holidays the anticipation is usually worse than the day itself. The thought of facing another holiday without your child is just too heavy a burden to carry. Something you need to know is; you don’t have to celebrate the holiday if you don’t want to. You don’t have to make preparations, get together with family and friends and force yourself to join in the festivities. If you do not feel up to a big celebration than do something else. Yes, do something totally different, but do not stay home alone.

Go on a day trip that will be full of sights and sounds. Hit ever ice cream parlor between here and Hickory or if your passion is chocolate make it candy stores and indulge. Go hiking, horse-back riding, or visit a zoo. Take in movies all-day-long.

You decide what will bring you some pleasure and don’t let guilt creep in and steal it away. You need to take care of yourself and finding a diversion from your grief for one day, can be a good thing. Go, enjoy the 4th of July.

 

New Season

Another season is approaching which has proven to be another grief trigger for most. It is a sign of moving forward into another season that is full of clean fresh scents and sights sparked by the beauty of nature. It is also a reminder that we move into a new season without our child, and we may wonder if it will ever be different. Will we ever heal from trauma that left us shattered and torn?

We are told by the experts and those who have never experienced our loss that time will heal our pain. They fail to mention that the memoires we carry with us will always bring our grief to the surface. That is why the things we call triggers; birthdays, death dates, holidays, special vacations, graduations, etc. take us back to when our child lived, reminding us that they are not here.

So how can time heal when our memories will forever follow us into the future? We will always see our child yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I came across an article online that seems to open the door to the acceptance that time is not a healer, it helps us to grieve our way, in our time and unapologetic. Here is a sample:

“To say that time does not heal allows a person to reconcile herself to the longevity of the grieving process. It relieves her from the burden of having to observe any arbitrary deadlines for the aching.”   Impatient With Grief, Today’s Christian Woman by Jean Polluck Michel.

 

 Thanksgiving

“May your today be better than your yesterday.” That quote could have been written by a bereaved parent. We often wonder if our tomorrow will ever be better than today.

Thanksgiving is less then a month away and for some, it will be one of those “firsts”. For those who are new to this grief journey, know that the anticipation is worse than the actual holiday.

Some of us are not feeling very thankful for anything, the pain is too harsh, too disabling, too distracting from anything good.

If we look deep enough in our hearts we can draw out the memories that our child left behind and find that we are thankful for something. We find good wholesome memories tucked away that cause our hearts to swell with love and admiration for our child. I guess we do have something to be thankful for. Our child lived and that brought endless memories because as long as we live-they live.

Share your Thanksgiving with someone if you can and you will find a blessing in giving that will soften your sorrow.


When the Dust Settles

July 3, 2016

Find this Kindle Single at Amazon. When the Dust Settles

Christian fiction that embraces the every day trials of family life with twists and turns that will keep you on the edge of your seat. Novelette size for a great lunch time break.

 

 

 


Devotion: The Vine

May 15, 2016

 

Devotion

I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. KJV John 15:5

 

 

My son cut down five tall walnut trees and built a rail fence around a section of our backyard. He left the bark; giving the fence a rustic look. Not long after the fence was up we noticed new growth on some of the posts. One in particular has at least ten new branches growing. The walnut tree obviously had so much sap in its core that it has caused new life to spring forth, even though the tree itself is dead. Think about that. Isn’t that how the Lord has set us to live in Him. His grace courses through our being; through our veins and arteries to our very soul. It is that life giving substance (grace) that causes us live in HIM, though we are dead. ( I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live John 11:25). The grace is there. We do not have to earn it or work for it. It will carry us through life and keep us connected to Him as if we are a new growth of His love.

 

Prayer:

Father God thank you for your life giving grace that sustains us in your kingdom and is always sufficient enough.

(c) 2016


YOU CAN’T SEE HEAVEN FROM HERE

May 7, 2016

It has been nine years since my husband and I lost our youngest child. Nine years and soon it will be ten. I remember thinking years ago, “I don’t know where he is.” The thought pierced through my brain over and over again reflective of the agony my soul was feeling. The pain and sorrow was so great that my mind was just fog, floating freely where my logical thoughts used to be. Hearing those words repeating in my head just added to my torment.

I knew in my heart that my son was saved. I knew the word said that to be absent from the body was to be present with the Lord. I knew Craig had given his life to the Lord and yet, I could not see where he was. I could not see heaven from where I stood.

For a newly bereaved parent you can’t go through a day without wondering where your child is and what he is doing? If you are a believer you imagine your child happy and fulfilled, surrounded by the loving arms of the Lord. You can see it- in your imagination. Sometimes that is not good enough. Sometimes, you need assurance that what you imagine, what you believe, is true. You are placed at a point in your life when your faith is tested beyond breaking. Believe and stand by it or doubt and suffer from it.

It does not seem fair that when you are at your lowest point in your life, your faith is tested so greatly. You are weak, you can barely get up in the morning, you want to be with your child and for many parents, you want to die. How in the world are you going to face this test when you have no strength?

I kept telling myself, “He is fine, he is with the Lord and He is the happiest he has ever been.” It helped to repeat those words, but I still could not see Heaven from here. I needed to experience that with my five senses. I needed to know beyond a doubt. I needed the Lord to show me.

I am not alone in my feelings. I have meant many Christians that have experienced the same wonder, the same agony. It does not mean we are not strong Christians. It does not mean that our faith is less than it should be. It means we are suffering, we still love the Lord and still believe in His promises, and our faith is being tested beyond our wildest dreams. Many people will experience loss but few will truly know the sting of death and the victory. It is not a place that any parent wants to go. It is not a place you can ever imagine until you are there.

There comes a time when pain is so overwhelming that you can no longer feel. Imagine a physical pain in one part of your body. It overcomes your whole countenance. You struggle with the agony of the pain and don’t realize that in the midst of your pain, your other body parts are numb; they don’t exist because the pain is too intense to allow any affection for the rest of your body. This is how your spirit feels when it lies in agony. You don’t feel the sun on your cheek or a gentle hand on your shoulder. You can’t receive the words of encouragement from loved ones or the soft voice of God in your heart. Oh, He is there and so are you, but pain has taken over and all you can do is cry out, My God, My God Why hast thou forsaken me. I don’t say that with any disrespect toward my Lord. No one has ever suffered as greatly as Him. We can’t embrace His suffering but what we find in our lives is that it sometimes feels like abandonment, and we just can’t see Heaven from here.

 

(c) 2016


HE LEFT HIS FIRST LOVE

May 7, 2016

HPIM0834You have heard the scripture, “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.” NIV Rev 2:4

The Lord is speaking to the church of Ephesus, but long before this revelation, was a man who left his first love and the result brought destruction to his life and everything around him.

When Adam was created by Elohim and placed in the garden he developed a relationship with the Father that we can hardly imagine. He walked every day with the living God. They talked and listened to one another. God taught Adam what he needed to know.

Elohim saw that Adam needed a helper so He created Eve. At this point Adam had already named the animals and gotten to know them. There was no cycle of life. No survival of the fittest. Each being lived in harmony with all of creation. All was as God intended it to be.

Adam and Eve seemed to hit it off pretty well. Adam felt a closeness to Eve that is mentioned in Gen. 2:23. He describes Eve as the bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. You really can’t get much closer than that.

You know the rest of the story; Eve found her way to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and was tempted by the serpent. The bible doesn’t say much about what lead up to this event. We know that God gave the pair free will to decide for themselves what they will do. Just as the angels in heaven had the choice to decide who they would follow, so did Adam and Eve.

No sin had been committed before the pair ate from the tree; however, something took place for them to follow the sinful path that they did. Look at the story and it makes sense when you factor in the moving away from God to other pleasures. For Eve it was what the serpent offered her; wisdom, knowledge and power. Remember, she was a help mate to Adam. She was second in charge, not first.

Adam had a life before Eve. He had a relationship with Elohim yet; he left his first love and focused on Eve. In Gen 2:24 it says that because the woman was taken from man he shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. That is exactly what Adam did however; he put Eve above his father. He did more than just cling to Eve; he made her his first love and turned away from his Lord.

When Eve offered Adam the fruit the bible does not record any objection from Adam. He took it and put it to his mouth and ate of the fruit knowing he was going against his God. He appeared to do it without any hesitation. He followed Eve when he was supposed to lead. He got his priorities out of order. There is a saying; God first, then family and country. Sounds about right except Adam did not do that, and so we find ourselves living in a world full of sin and destruction.

When Adam was told not to eat of the tree he was told why. The Lord told him he would surely die. The Hebrew word for die is (matoth) which means to die, kill or execute. Interesting that the word can mean execute because that is what happened. Adam’s SIN executed the spirit within Adam. Adam was a living soul but he had a spirit. When he died his spirit left him. What happened at this point? He no longer had a spirit or glorified body. He had a fleshly body; one that was as corrupt as the sin that defiled it. Everything changed. No longer could he walk in the garden with his Lord, but he could no longer live in a place made for perfected man.

God is a spirit and we are told the only way to communicate with Him is through the spirit. “God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” NIV John 4:24

Adam would learn the hard way how to find his way back to God. He would suffer the consequences of his sin in a harsh way. He left his first love and now he was dead and all the earth was cursed because of his and Eve’s actions. Makes you wonder if they didn’t look up at the stars at night and talk about what they had done and reminisce about the garden. Adam did not die until eight generations of descendants were born. He was 930 years old. Imagine the stories he passed down to his offspring which included; Seth, Enoch, and Methuselah, the oldest recorded human in the bible and the grandfather of Noah. Methuselah died the year the flood happened. Firsthand accounts of the beginning of creation were made all the way down to the flood. You have to ask how could the world become so corrupt when the first man lived through eight generations, a man who walked with God and knew Him? Perhaps, seeing the decay in the generations was felt horrifically by Adam since he knew it was because of him that man was born with a nature to sin.

Eve is not exempt from the whole issue of death and corruption. In fact, she sinned before Adam. If Adam had left his first love, Elohim, then Eve must have done the same. What caused her to be enticed by the serpent and to be drawn to the tree in the first place? The pair had a spirit, they had a perfect body and they were void of a nature to sin, yet they did. They had one thing that existed with the angels and that was free will.

One third of heaven decided they would follow Lucifer instead of El Shaddai. No one knows exactly what that number was but any number was too many. It is a mystery how it all came together, but sin entered heaven and then it entered the world. It was in the garden because the serpent was there. It was confined to the tree of knowledge of good and evil, yet Eve found it and pursued it. She did just what the angels did as she was tempted by the master of sin. She went looking for answers, she went looking for something she did not have or thought she did not have. She went looking for perhaps, independence from God. She had a motive and she had a will and the serpent used them both against her. She had already placed something above God whether it was Adam or self, she left her first love as well as Adam did.

Once God is no longer first in your life, you face temptations that you never thought were possible. Your focus changes, your will becomes more lustful instead of His desires. This is usually where we start out in life. Moving forward from salvation toward making God your first love is what we do as a new born-again Christian. It is the spirit drawing us toward Him and placing Him always before our face.

Adam and Eve began their lives with God as their first love and they went forward into the darkness of sin and laid out the path for the rest of mankind.

Praise our Lord God Almighty that He did not give up on us. He made a way when we didn’t deserve it. He loved us so. He gave the sacrifice for us so we could walk in the garden with Him once again. He came to us in the flesh; in a miserable world of vile, gross and disgusting sin, and let it fall on his shoulders so we can be with Him. He made the way because our sacrifice could not touch it. There was nothing we could do to correct the mess we were in.

There is only one thing for us to do now. Make Him our first love, forever. If you want to be with Him after this life, you need to make Him first in this one.

 

(c) 2016


Emotional Range-Separation From Land etc.

November 30, 2015

Potomac Park Camp 1946

July 25th

EMOTIONAL RANGE-SEPARATION FROM LAND ETC.

 

If you know something about conditions in your local church you can’t help if you hit on it. I’d rather not know a thing. Some will come and say, “Did you know so and so?”

God doesn’t put any testing or proving on us unless we are qualified; built up in the faith. He has first given us the word to do something with it. If not accepted-truth-something in our nature will deteriorate and be destroyed. I know what God is doing with me. I like to know a little bit about this strange being or personality. I am a trinity. I am more than that. We react continually to the thought processes. I have a mind and I must think right thoughts. Think on these things. For as a man thinketh in his heart-so is he. God makes his approach through it. Study to show thyself approved-apply yourself. Jesus dealt with the emotional side of people mostly.  The general approach is to the heart where they lived. In the four gospels He continually deals with love, hatred, jealousy, (make a study of that). Man is an emotional creature and out of order. I have an intellectual life which He is dealing with and an emotional. Power to say you will become the whole determining factor.

I don’t know which day or hour I was saved or where, but in interim of several months. I don’t make patterns, everyone is different. You are either a saint or a sinner. There has to come a place of real decision. You have had to give individually your assent. Our lives are reckoned according to our wills and spirits before God. God judges us by the choices we make continually-we may know yards of truth and not know at all. Therefore knowledge was not enough to qualify him in the realm of heaven. The thief on the cross-got as far as paradise, that’s all. The thief had not had time to build up and qualify; making him capable for that fellowship God would have with him in heaven. God speaks about an abundant entrance. Only the applying of the blood will never qualify you.

God can take an individual and so work upon him without destroying his individuality or personality; he becomes a living miracle. Some have an emotional temperament, others stoical. You can’t judge people whether they are expansive in their emotional by that, it is no price on spirituality at all. Some can get blessed in their emotional range, doesn’t mean that they are holier than all. Some people get blessed so they shout, sing and dance, no sign you are spiritual. God doesn’t care how much you can get blessed at all. He looks right past that, He knows that I not the measuring rod-where you live and what you are, it is lower than this, it is in here, down several inches below-in my heart where I have made choices and decisions for Him.

Here I am Lord-yes Lord. We are not living on how much I know about Jesus, but it is in the YES LORD!

Don’t be confused and robbed, don’t get it confused with the emotional-the emotional is only the effect because you had an experience. Will you be obedient to the thing I’ll ask you to do? Faith-command, launch out into the deep. The Lord has a miracle for you and you are still standing there reasoning with Him. Peter reasoning with Him; “I fished there all night, etc.” Natural man first, then that which I spiritual. Faith can only exercise where everything in the natural is out of reason. We try every last thing before faith. He has a right to shift that boat. Don’t stay by the shore. It involves a process of separation. Separated from the people-already in the boat. (It is a )marvelous place to get out with the Lord in a little boat even though it tips. Be thankful; just stay in that little boat. For a little while you can detect some people on the shore. That is grass. All flesh is grass.

Later on…? Certain flowers were grass. When that boat gets out far enough and you say all flesh is grass—that is a separation. I believe in the fellowship, by and by God lets me know they are human too. Separations may be even from the legitimate human relations. He is getting us ready for the miracle.

Heavenly, beautiful visitation will involve just those that are in the boat. Where are you taking me-out in the deep? You rest in the negation; in your will and obedience, in your surrendered will. Separation begins with a child of God when coming out of the world. Move in disciple fellowship.

Multitude-believers-disciples-apostles.

If you wish to be a disciple do thus and so; another separation. If you will come into a disciple relationship you have to separate from legitimate things. You already hate the world, flesh and the devil. Here is something else. That which would mar and hinder the effulgence of the light. If you walk with God He is going to separate you more and more.

Five years ago you were different, you can’t do them now-anything that blurs or hinders or mars; you turn-hate it, but for what it will do… You don’t hate your father and mother because of what they are to you, but because of what they can do to hinder your best for God.

More and more of a separation as you go on, deflected Jesus from the cross. If it deflects, hate it, anything. Separation from people, world, nature, things, principles, persons, whole set-up, hate it, reject it, separate from it. Move out into an entirely new atmosphere, go out into the deep. I determine and you determine how deep you want to go by what, by how far you are separated. Just as far as you go deeper it will get. What will determine it-just how far I am separated. Just as deep as I want to go.

*Brazen laver not measured-you determine it all.

The net is livelihood.  It threw your life right overboard. Nature. Holding on with your fingers. You say you have to be practical. Blessed opportunities, developments you never dreamed of, took you all this time to get them. Had enough for all fishes. Something to give to all. More abundant, exceedingly more than we can ask or think.

*The Brazen Laver is second of two objects located in the Tabernacle’s Outer Court. It represents baptism. (Looks like a cup used to wash the hands)