According the American Psychiatrist Association, grieving parents can be classified as mentally ill. In the past, the Mentally Ill Diagnostic Manual, had an exclusion clause for bereavement. In a recent move from the board, the exclusion has been lifted and now bereavement can take its place among other mental illness such as manic-depression and schizophrenia.
In all fairness to the board, a clear definition associated with the bereaved is, deep depression that may include sleeplessness, lack of appetite, lack of energy…Though bereavement can be a normal reaction to the death of a loved one, excessive bereavement that lasts longer than two weeks, is not normal and should be treated as a mental illness.
It should not be surprising that bereaved parents from all over the country are outraged at this decision by the APA. The National Compassionate Friends, a self-help organization of bereaved parents has been in existence for more than forty years. There are more than 600 chapters across the United States. Thousands of parents belong to this organization that have found comfort and comradery among each other.
Each month, chapters meet in small towns and large cities, find ways of helping parents cope with the loss of a child. Many parents find their local Compassionate Friends chapter a safe haven where they can talk about their child and keep their memory alive.
Loosing a child is the most devastating tragedy that can ever happen to a parent. No one is ever prepared for the pain and sorrow that takes place.
Many parents seek professional help because they are convinced there is something wrong with them. Society tells the bereaved to move on, get over it, let go. The advice many be well meaning but unrealistic.
Parents that have lost children 10-20-30 years and more, still feel the sting of their loss. Coping methods for stress do not work the same for bereaved parents. Finding a way to get up each day and continue it without your child is indescribable.
Concern
In this writer’s opinion, it is a concern for bereaved parents all over this country that mis-diagnosis and poor treatment will ensue as a result of this action by the APA. Coping methods may be disregarded when a person is receiving medication meant for bi-polar disorders. Anti-depressants may keep the bereaved from feeling and therefore, unable to face the truth. Grief is hard work and can not be accomplished when denial of a normal reaction to death is mistreated.
Education
Society, including professionals that counsel the bereaved need to educate themselves on the life of the bereaved. It may be written in text books, but sometimes you have to feel with your heart and not rationalize with your mind.
Life goes on, is true but for the bereaved parent, it is never the same. Employers should not expect a bereaved parent to return to work in three day, three weeks or three months, and pick up where they left off. Carry around a bowling ball around your waist and see how quickly it weighs you down. Grief does the same thing. It is there, every waking hour, every moment of breath, it is there. A bereaved parent can not run away from extreme pain that engulfs their being. Sadness becomes a lifestyle. It is not a choice and no mediation is going to make it go away.
Family and friends should not expect the bereaved parent to stop talking about their child. Their memories are what they have left and need to be shared.
Professionals need to attend a Compassionate Friends meeting and leave their shingle outside and try to experience what it is like to be a bereaved parent. Perhaps a new understanding will ensue and better treatment will be forthcoming instead of labels.
Vickie Van Antwerp
cc: 2026
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